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Dawn_Brings_Hope
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Name: Jessica
Country: United States
Birthday: 5/5/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: Becoming the person God created me to be, talking and hanging out with my friends and family, going to good ol' Milligan College, singing, reading, drama, anything related to Lord of the Rings, writing an occasional poem, giving hugs, and pretending I'm a mature, responsible adult. (who knows, maybe one day I'll actually be one!!)
Expertise: Me... expertise? right....
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
1/21/2005
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| "Look," says the Teacher, "this is what I have discovered: "Adding one thing to another to discover the scheme of things- while I was still searching but not finding- I found one upright man among a thousand, but not one upright woman among them all.
~Ecclesiastes 7: 27-28
I'm not trying to be all women's lib or feminist or whatever... but really... if there is such a definition of "upright" that allows for one MAN to be found... why is there not one WOMAN also? Or was she just not among Solomon's acquaintance? | | |
| Had a beautiful week in Tennessee following Suzanne and Matt's wedding.
Now back to trying to figure out my life.
Awesome.
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| I was completely honest with someone just a few days ago. And I regret it. I didn't think that was supposed to happen.
I thought honesty was supposed to be the best policy.
I don't like to be honest with myself either. I feel like the more things I let myself admit to, the more they hold tight to me and won't let go.
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| I should be heading to sleep... but instead... I'm here.
So. I have a newly formed theory on life. It is made up of a three-fold set of pursuits which result in a fulfilled life.
#1 - find your passion
#2 - find your passion for God
#3 - find where those two come together
Not necessarily in that order. But I think it mostly does happen that way. I think that most people have to find their passion first so that we have that as a frame of reference to better understand God, who is, in fact, NOT understandable. For example. My passion is music. And God uses that regularly to show me more of Himself. Orchestration remains one of my favorite classes I took at Milligan. Not because I excelled at it, I didn't, but because through the class I discovered God's role as orchestrator. You see. Every instrument has a different timbre. That means the quality of the sound. A piano and a violin both play middle C... but they sound different. That difference is the timbre. (pronounced 'tamber' for anyone I haven't already drilled that into :) And instruments even vary in timbre from one end of their range to another. So that when a piece of music is orchestrated, the orchestrator chooses each intrument for each part of the music very carefully based on the desired sound/mood/feel. And a good orchestrator (as God is) has a complete and full grasp on every instrument's subtleties and intricacies and makes perfect use of them to create the best and most fitting music. In the same way God uses each of us to our best purpose.
So, I have found my passion. I'm working on discovering/building my passion for God. And praying for His help to that end. And to reveal to me where the two passions come together. I am often too eager and want to just push on to that step. Skipping the relationship necessary with Him and longing to move into ACTION. But the ways of our God are contrary to the ways of the world. We are not given a to-do list to accomplish. But rather a set of characteristics that take a lifetime to grow. Faith, Trust, Hope, Love. To seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. To be still and know that He is God. To lean not on our own understanding. To live only to love Him and bring glory to His name. To worship.
How did our purpose get so skewed? We think we have to acheive and accomplish. But it is really so simple. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. Do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with Him.
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| I'm reading Redeeming Love. Half a dozen people told me it was a must read. So I am finally reading it. But I'm not enjoying it. I don't think my heart can take it any more and so I don't know if I can finish it. So many people have exclaimed to me "that's one of my favorite books"! So I will probably have to finish it. But I'm giving myself a few days break. She just left him for the third time.
And it makes me wonder if you have to love yourself to ever truly accept love from someone else. If so. I just quit now.
I'm singing as part of the worship team for the Greater Washington Christian Educators Association convention at the end of the month. I had my first rehearsal last Tuesday and fell completely off my pedestal of excitement. For starters, I'm the only white person as part of the team. And I'm pretty sure I'm also the only person not a member of this particular church. I don't know why they want me, why this woman even called me up and asked if I was interested. And I know that singing black gospel puts me completely out of my element. I don't know what I'm doing and I feel like I stick out like... I don't know what. Second rehearsal tomorrow. I don't want to go. But I'm going to. Because, despite sometimes wishing I wasn't this way, quitting never entered my mind as an option. Maybe in two and a half weeks when it is over, I'll still feel the same way I do now and be glad it is over. Or maybe something miraculous will happen. I was contemplating meeting a handsome guitarist... but I think that just made God laugh. Anyways. This is worship. So its not about me anyways. I'm trying to forget how this isn't what I had in mind, and pray that I can somehow be instrumental in bringing the attendees of this convention straight into the throne room of God. My discomfort, my burst bubble, my lack of proficiency, all completely irrelevant. I will do my best and trust in God's ability to produce precious gems from small pebbles.
That is. I will try.
I hate it when I don't feel up to the challenges God places in front of me.
Which would be... pretty much every time.
I'm thinking about joining a single women's Bible study through church. But I kind of don't want to because I have plenty of wonderful friends already and I don't want to give anyone else ties to my heart. How lame is that? And how hypocritical after I wrote The Gift of Missing You.
I need a new job. I'm working about 24 hours this week and 8 next week.
Trouble is... I don't know where I want to look. I actually do like my job. I just can't make enough money like this. I'm thinking about being a nanny or a substitute teacher. What I really want is to be a composer. But I don't think reaching for your dreams means being an idiot and ignoring practicality and reality.
My brother moved out two days ago. My parents are a mess. In their own separate ways of course. My mom cries at anything, and my dad gets angry at anything. I hate it. We're all just broken people. Why can't we combine to become whole, instead of stoking the fires that burn between us?
Gwen is in Greece right now. Hannah is starting a new job next week. Naomi... I realized she doesn't really have any friends. But somehow she seems like the most content person in the world. But maybe I'm blind. I wonder where she is going and who she will be when she grows up. She is kind of a mix of all us older kids... she tends to take on our interests and make them her own. She was all excited about her model of a car engine. She did NaNoWriMo last November. And she took piano for a while. Only... she quit that. So we know she's not going to follow in my steps.
And me. I'm still here. Still trying to figure out which state I should live in. And how reckless I should be. And still trying to pretend that I don't care that I'm 22 and still single. When I totally do care. But even though I want it so badly, I have the sinking feeling I will never be able to handle it.
And I wonder if the only challenges in life are the ones we make or imagine. Or if the biggest challenge is to learn to see the real ones.
"Was anyone able to look at the stable and not see a child but a King? / I wish I could hear back over the years, as heaven and nature sing."
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